Abandonment

...is the theme of the year. A very single year with only one meager prospect that I couldn't be enthusiastic about primarily because of his name.
A year when, with five behind you, you have the audacity to think that it's time to be treated at work, at the very least, as an adult, much less a contemporary.
A year without vacations, with idiot assholes resenting the vacation time I do take because they don't have the imagination to want to go anywhere fun.
A year when a wedding happens that you feel that you should have been a part of, to be celebrating alongside, to feel such intense regret of being cast aside because the engagement happened in the first place.
A year when you feel like your life is going nowhere and things will never change.
A year when people you thought were good friends provide displays of disinterest.

So maybe you try to take solace in the few remaining friends (at least, you're pretty sure that's how they regard you still), but then you get shanghaied by work. You had a freakout almost a year ago and have been metaphorically flagellating yourself and bending over backwards to be actively considerate to your coworkers, but nobody outside of your shift have any appreciation or recognition of that fact.

So you feel like the few remaining friends are slipping away, perhaps busy in their own lives, perhaps fate has decided to only occasion events on nights when you are tethered inside this brilliantly-colored prison. A thought strikes that you've never been romantically alone for more than a year since high school. But it's getting close to the year mark with this situation every day.

So maybe I'm bitter. No, scratch that, I AM bitter. I deserve explanations. I deserve fair treatment. And I don't deserve to have my time wasted - if you are not planning to be with me, why the fuck wouldn't you tell me sooner so I could have used that time to be finding someplace that I could be with people who DID want the same things that I do? Motherfucking asshole.

At least my housemate and I get along more these days. At least I got some cooking experience with her - pity that I've only got a couple more weeks before she leaves. Maybe there will be another? I really appreciate that she and I bonded over that and the idea of gardening (even if I'm the only one that bonded to the idea of weeding). There are half a dozen tomatoes reddening and waiting to be picked as we speak. And some assorted other things of various states of growth. So that's two things that I accomplished this year. Yay me.

That still doesn't change that I'm miserably unhappy. I could deal with being alone if I were only allowed to leave once in awhile. Well, I'm working on that part, at least.

But I don't want to be alone.